Kory was away skiing all day yesterday. The Monday ski school group had an extra chaperone pass and offered to let him use it. He wasn’t home yet when the mail arrived and in it was a letter from one of the two schools we hadn’t heard from yet regarding acceptance and admission. I texted him to see if he would let me open it. It was his second rejection. He’s been accepted at four of the schools he applied to {Baylor, Abilene Christian University, Texas State, and Gordon College}, denied at two {UT and A&M}, and we’re still waiting on one ~ but that one may be a long shot ~ Harvard. He decided to apply there about three hours before the deadline, and had a great one hour interview with a Harvard grad working on her PhD at UMass several weeks ago. He wore his glasses. You know, to look the part and all. ☺
Now we’re getting the financial aid and scholarship information from the schools he’s been accepted to. Kory’s gotten lots of merit type scholarships, scholarships for being a pastor’s kid, etc. ~ all of which have added up to a discount of about half of the tuition/room/board costs, which is great, but college is expensive, and the school he wants to go to the most, Baylor, is the most expensive of them all ~ of course.
I went to bed full of anxiety over this whole thing last night, but not before I registered to “work” for an online writing service that a friend of mine also works for. At Christmastime I applied to work at Barnes and Noble. Didn’t get hired. In the fall I registered myself with a tutoring company ~ NextGuru.com. Nothing. A few years ago I created my own tutoring service. Printed fliers, took them all around town. Sent them to every local elementary school. I even got several calls, and set up several appointments. They were all no-shows.
All of my efforts to “work” have been unsuccessful. The only job I’ve been “allowed” to have, it seems, is my tutoring job with Classical Conversations where my own children are in my class or a nearby one all day. Hmmmmm…guess that call to be at home and homeschool is still in effect.
But I long for security. I want to be able to send my kids to college debt free the way my parents did for me. I do not like depending on the Lord for things like this. I want to do it myself.
Right after Kory heard of his acceptance to Baylor, a friend from church pulled Kory and me both aside one evening after a meeting. She had just gotten a part-time special education job in a local school system, and told us that she felt the Lord was asking her to give Kory half of her salary this year to go toward his education. I was totally shocked, overwhelmed by her generous offer, and, to be honest, a little angry.
Does it always have to be this way, Lord? You know I don’t like it. I want to be the giver, not the receiver.
I woke up with all of these anxious thoughts still fresh on my mind, and sat down to read and pray for a while before our crazy Tuesday started…
I confess that it’s hard to trust You, Lord ~ even when You’ve come through with perfect provision each time I was in need. Forgive me for forgetting Your faithfulness, for thinking You will choose to withhold from us this time rather than exceed our expectations as usual. But I confess that today other gods seem more trustworthy ~ like money, like a stable job, like the state of Texas with its lower cost of living, like two salaries, like comfort and financial cushion and…
Help me to trust You and Your goodness, Your Fatherly love and provision. You have never failed to give me anything I need, or that my kids need. I know that to trust in Your provision is better than to trust in my own abilities to provide, but I confess that on most days, I ‘d like to have the freedom to do just that.
Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow, nor reap, nor gather into barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?
Matthew 6:26